sometimes i think that over the time i got a very spoilt child. i had so many dolls when i was younger-i wouldn't even buy my own child so many haha. and now, i'll get loads of christmas and birthday presents. i know all the presents my mum got for me. she got me a set of springform baking pins (maybe an awkward present, but i love baking!), some food storage boxes, a cute bathroom rug, J.K. Rowlings new book 'The Casual Vacancy' but the german version (a rare exception, i prefer reading english books), a hello kitty cup and a hello kitty pillow. don't know which ones i'll got for christmas and which ones for my birthday. just today she bought me that hello kitty stuff. i just showed it to her and said 'cute, isn't it?' and she immediately asked me if i wanted it. and then comes the point of matter. i really would like to get it-but otherwise i don't want her to spend so much money on my presents, because she already got me the baking pins, the boxes, the book and the rug. but i still answer things like 'yea somehow i'd like it but i don't want you to get it for me' and i know there's a 50/50 chance of her buying it for me. so, even though i feel so bad about it, why can't i just say 'no mum, it's ok.'?
sometimes i think it's because i don't really care about some things anymore. a friend of mine once said 'even if you don't want anything from your parents, because you often get into trouble and arguments with them and don't want them to have anything to hold against you in the next argument, you still are their child and they have to care for you and this also means spending money on you.' am i really that screwed up? or do i just persuade myself that that are too much presents or too much money spend on me? why do i even think about this so much? or is it anything else?? at the moment i really don't want to spend much time with my family-to be honest, i'd like to 'discard' them from my life. there were so many things, also little things, that got more and more into a vast amount of happenings that lead me into thinking stuff like this. maybe i'm at the point now, that i don't really care about treating them morally right anymore, because they didn't either. maybe they did know what was right or wrong, but still haven't changed a single thing. i tried and tried and tried. to make things clearer. to calm the waves. to get along with them. to search for the causes of our disagreements and fights. i tried to be the daughter they wanted me to be. i've let go many hours of freedom and childhood, of youth, and i know that i still am young, but there are times and things you can't fetch later. i turned and twisted myself, my character, i swallowed my pride and my words, maybe even sometimes my mind. but it still wasn't enough. and now, that i only once showed them both how i really am, i saw that i was just not the daughter they wanted me to be. i never could be. i never was and i never will. and now, that my spirits for them are so emaciated, i just don't want to pick myself up again-not any more. i feel like it's finally enough. i always feared that there once will come the day, that my dad'll say that i'm no longer his daughter, for any reason. but now, i just don't care. they just make my life more difficult. i know that they ease my financial problems when there are some, but money doesen't matter. i'd rather have less money than carrying on with faking my face. they gotta handle me now how i really am. i don't care if there'll be many more fights. there is nothing in me for them to harm anymore. i know that they also got their problems to face and to carry, and yes, somehow it still makes me sad, but they, as my parents, should be role models for me. but they are not. they made their contribution in forming my character, yes indeed, but many things i had to learn by myself. i got pitchforked into real life, because my parents have no sense for it, and walked all the way to where i am now alone. whenever i went to them with my problems, i catched hell. i didn't have a happy childhood. oh yes yes, i had a tv, lots of dolls, a big room for my own until my brother was born, oh yes...'we gave you everything you ever wanted!' oh yes, you did. the things you could buy, you got me. the things i really needed i never got.
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