talking about past and present and people

have to admit that i am very very happy that i am, who i am now. i've changed so much over the past 3 years. i've learnt, accepted and put into practice. and whenever i think about the old me, i just wanna punch myself in the face haha. i'v been such an idiot. but i had to be an idiot to become who i am now. i do believe, that everything, no matter what, happens for a reason. everything has a purpose. if you pay attention to this, you'll recognize that it really is this way, may it be even be the smallest things. also i'd never ever change myself again to be liked my someone. never. why should i, i am the only version of me and i won't change it for any other version of a thinking and feeling being that's just too different from me to like me for who i am.

my money's gone and i still have nothing

ugh, it's always the same. i've spent a bunch of money for a few presents. but at least i got something for my boyfriend. i first planned something else than what i got him now, but it's getting a bit late to run for chirstmas errands. my first idea couldn't be put into practice just by myself and "the other party" from which i waited for "their contribution" wasn't showing any process, so i had to change my plans. it'll hopefully be good at the end. i obviously can't tell you what it is, that may be a bit dangerous haha. but anyways he's worth the money i've spent for that. he's more worth than all money there is. oh me is getting cheesy hah.

also i finally got some new sports chlothing at H&M. 3 pieces and 50€ gone, geeeeeeez.
also i don't think that i'll order much from H&M online any more. the clothes hardly look as good in real life as they do online. ordered 2 dresses, one looked like a potato sack and the other one looked like there were cycling shorts inwrought underneath and also a pullover which was already kinda baggy at the sides. meh, sorry for the moaning, but maybe i'm not the only one which has any experience of this kind or maybe i can rescue you from any mispurchases haha.

and then you smiled

i love you beyond all boundaries which ever have been there, even for love. you’re the missing piece of my soul and far more. you’re more i’ve ever searched and hoped for. there is no greater love.

clique

i'm listening to this track of jay-z, big sean and kanye west right now. mostly i'm into indie kinda music, but if a tracks nice why shouldn't i listen to it, just because it's another genre?

well. do you know this feeling, this urgent need of changing yourself? it came out of nowhere to me. just now. and this time it's mostly about my style. most of the time i dress pretty casual. but also, i often look at some pieces of clothes and think "wow they look so nice, but they're much too bold or too freaky for me to wear them". but now i feel like hey, i just have this one life and i told myself a long time ago, that i should live it as i wish and please. so, this must also be done with the clothing-thing. why should i care if anybody thinks that this or that piece doesn't look good on me? i decide whether it looks good on me or not, period.

just had to say this.

erster advent und disney day

ich habe lust auf deutsch zu schreiben. ich fühl mich grade irgendwie total wohl. es ist der erste advent und es schneit mal mehr mal weniger auf die sowieso schon betrachtliche schneedecke. hach, so muss die weihnachtszeit sein. ich liebe die weihnachtszeit. meine deko ist auch gar nicht mal so schlecht geworden. und gestern habe ich die lichter in der stadt betrachten können. die lichter sind so wunderschön. sie gefallen mir am ganzen fest wohl am besten. abgesehen vom schenken an die liebsten. aber wirklich nur an die liebsten. ich verschwende keine zeit mehr an gedanken über passende und schöne geschenke für leute, die sich dann eh nicht drüber freuen. naja wie auch immer. auf pro7 ist disney day und gerade hat alice im wunderland angefangen, die neue version von tim burton-absolute liebe für alle tim burton werke. und dieser film ist einer meiner lieblinge von ihm. das heißt erster advent, schnee, plätzchen, lauter gute filme, überall lichter, diese magische ich-fühl.mich-so-kuschelig-wohl-daheim-atmosphäre, ne neue leckere teesorte (schneezauber kirsch marzipan von meßmer, kann ich nur empfehlen!), plätzchen, und wenn doch mal n film läuft den ich nicht so mag, harry potter and the goblet of fire. perfekt. wäre mein freund noch hier, wäre es natürlich noch perfekter. aber damit komm ich klar, am dienstag/donnerstag sehen wir uns ja wieder. ich bin zwar ein bisschen erkältet, heut morgen gings los, aber trotzdem geht's mir grad echt gut. fühl mich richtig wohlig.

achja die blutspende lief echt gut. war ein schönes gefühl. ungewohnt, aber gut, vor allem hinterher freut man sich, dass man es gemacht hat. joa, so die kurzfassung, mehr kann ich eigentlich auch nicht wirklich sagen.

und endlich habe ich es geschafft, einen richtigen plan für meine geburtstagsfeier aufzustellen. die letzten zwei jahre wollte ich schon feiern, es hat sich aber immer alles im sand verlaufen. diesmal nicht. veranstaltung auf facebook erstellt (dann ist es wenigstens mal zu etwas abgesehen vom kontakt-halten gut. manchmal nervt mich facebook total. die leute werden immer oberflächlicher und technischer. meh, versteht einer was ich meine?). ist zwar keine große feier, aber wozu sollte ich unmengen von leuten einladen, die mir eh nicht nahe stehen? daher. und paar von ihnen haben auch schon sicher zugesagt, yay! ich freu mich echt wie ein kind haha. endlich diesen tag mal mit den leuten feiern, die mir wirklich viel bedeuten. also d.h. es wird reingefeiert.

weihnachtsgeschenke habe ich soweit fast alle. aber plätzchen habe ich noch gar keine gemacht. hab aber schon zwei rezepte rausgesucht, die ich unbedingt ausprobieren will. wenn das ergebnis zufriedenstellend ist, stelle ich sie vielelicht noch hier rein.
oh und ich freu mich so, mit meinem freund mich daheim zu verkriechen gerade während der weihnachtszeit, oder draußen bisschen auf dem weihnachtsmarkt und den beleuchteten straßen rumzuspazieren. herrje, ich springe total von thema zu thema, tut mir leid! ich fürchte, so sind meine gedanken strukturiert. ohne struktur. naja, solange ich noch durchblicke, ist das ok denk ich :D

this and that

i'm going to donate blood tomorrow. i'm really looking forward to this, even though i'm a bit afraid and nervous about how it will feel. but since i watched a report about people whose lifes depends on such donations, i'll surely survive this 5-10 minutes of being uncomfortable. sometimes, little things, just like this report i've watched, can cause massive changes. that's what keeps me believing. that people can be inspired and enchanted to do things. good things. useful things. i won't portray myself as a hero or something, but still i'm a human and i think my brain works basically like every other one. so i kinda see this as an experience.

oh, and my cat was very cuddly yesterday. i was just sitting cross-legged on the couch and she came along like "i might take a seat in between"

in addition

-i’m looking forward to winter and christmas and snow so bad. probably because of the enchantingly atmosphere this time of the year always brings with it. i always like the holiday-atmosphere more than the holiday itself. having a walk in the snow in the evening, visiting christmas fairs, drinking hot chocolate or hot wine punch, christmas songs playing along…

-i think that animals are far better than we are. they live much more peacfully with each other. don't argument with stuff like "but carnivores eat other animals" for example or other stuff. i think that's the way nature chose it to be. animals don't cause themselves problems like we do. best example: money.


also, i wanted to show you this cartoon. i already knew it as a quote when i found it, and i think it's very true.



i don't claim the rights for the pictures/cartoon-found it on tumblr.

it also made me think about my current situation. should you forgive people who hurt you over and over again and never really understood you or even tried to do so, just in order to be at peace with them and yourself? or is there a border, once it's crossed it should be enough? atm i stick more to my second thought. but it started to get exhausting. and somehow my words and actions are getting a bit more back to normal again. and i can't do anything about it. they just come up without me having control over them. and afterwards i'm like "why did i say that? why did i do that? why do i treat them so nice? they didn't think about how they treat me either. i don't need to put up with trying to take everything back to love, peace and harmony." but sometimes i just can't control it. i'm very confused.

thoughts

-i really do feel sorry for all the people who don’t read books. really. even worse if they say “i never read a book-they’re so lame”. so, so sorry. books are probably the most beautiful material thing. because somehow they aren’t material-they let you live other lifes, see other worlds and experience other things. seriously, there are books i’d read over and over again, just because they’re so amazingly beautiful

-isn’t it sad, that we live in a world in which so much space is wasted on commercials, work, capitalism, selfishness, prejudice and technology, that there’s so little space left for romantic? not romatic in the love kind of way, but in every way?

-it makes me sad and somehow angry and i don't understand why so many especially young people are so unhappy with everything. they're never content with themselves and the life they're living. if you're not happy with it, change it the best you can. and appreciate life. it's really not that bad. the thing is, that people always see the bad sides more than the good ones. it's like bad times and good times are on a scale, and the side of the bad times always weights more just because we value them wrong.

-i'm torn between wanting a job in the future that will be fun and enjoyable for me and will get me enough money, or just a job that i'll enjoy. to find the second kind will surely be easier. but i want to make my future family a good life possible. good in ways of a safe home, always enough to eat, warmth, security, etc. but isn't a "normal paid job" enough for this? i really can't estimate such things. but i surely don't want to have a run-of-the-mine well paid job that i can't enjoy and love like some money-grubbing kind of persons with no intention to do something in order to just do it, but just in order to earn good money. i'm afraid i won't find the happy medium.

instruction for life

sometimes it's so hard and exhausting, choosing and trying to combine your needs with your values and the values of the ones of your nearest environment and their beings and feelings. and it's hard to see that youself have made a mistake. and it's hard if you didn't, but still have to change something in order to calm down others.
and it's even harder putting it into words.

fitness, health and diet

i decided to do a little post about my fitness/health-life and my diet.
in april this year i decided to change my eating behavior-once again, like i did it thousand times before. but this time i didn't start any silly kind of trend diet. i once tried the cabbage soup-diet and it worked a while, i lost about 8kg/17,8lbs but i gained them back so quickly (a few years after, i read that this kinda diet can make you lose some weight in little time but that's just why it'll come back easily). also i tried a ridiculous sausage-banana-eggs-diet idk what it was really called. you should eat about 5 sausages the first day (i think it were 5), then 5 bananas the second day and 5 eggs the third day and then it went on in some pattern like this - RUBBISH.

this time, i really don't know why, i guess the mature side of my brain must had cut in, i started to eat really clean. i didn't eat much junk food and fast food, not much pasta and white carbs. i went on with some raw food, fruits and veggies, but i'm more the fruit-type. also i switched from all kind of drinks to water. now i can only enjoy my food with water, because i think sweet drinks destroy the taste of the food.

also, one day i went down to our basement, don't remeber what i did there, but the old crosstrainer which stood there chaught my eye. so there i was, with my long sweatpants and a long sweater, running on the crosstrainer. it must had looked ridiculous! but ever since i randomly started running there, it became a habit. and also there were some results: i lost some weight! but also, i did feel so much better. i never believed or could believe people when they said that clean eating and sports change your sense of life, but it does! i feel so much more happy nowadays. if i felt 5 out of 10 days happy before starting my lifestyle-change, i feel 9 out of 10 days happy now! also it's such a huge pleasure and satisfaction, when you see what you achieved yourself, but i myself think that this is just a little contribution to the happiness you feel almost always.

also you'll get to a point when the changes you took at the start won't be enough anymore. in my case, it was about the workouts and "bad food". my running-sessions weren't enough anymore, so i looked for some workouts for my abs, arms, legs and butt (because that are the bodyparts i want to be more toned especially). i think that youtube is a great source for workout-inspirations if you don't want to spend lots of money for any silly workout-dvds (i myself don't believe that they work really, idk why) or don't want to go to the gym or don't have the time/money for that. it took me some time to find workouts that were practicable for me-some were too hard, some didn't make me feel like they worked my body. but once i found some, i sticked to them. now, i added some more to my old ones or changed the difficulty level by doing them longer, more repetitions or added weights. about the bad food: i finally cut out bad snacking. i had such problems avoiding sweets or when it was dinnertime and my family had for example pasta, i ate some of it too. resisting was just too hard for me. but now it became normal, i don't even crave for that bad stuff anymore. well sometimes yeah i DO, but a little sin once in a while is ok! i was used to eat at least one bad thing a day, but now it's maybe one in three days i guess. i made saturdays my "devour-day". i allow myself to eat everything i'd like to eat. like when i'd like to have pizza, i eat it. i once read that it's good to have such days to avoid food-cravings. at the beginning i ate a lot bad stuff on my devour-days, but now it got less, because i just don't want to eat stuff that's not good for my body anymore. and it's really true that if you avoid that stuff, you'll less crave it. i guess it's the same like with cigarettes, if you're used to smoke them you'll crave them, but ask a non-smoker if he feels like needing a cigarette, think he'll agree? no haha.

todays, when i eat some bad stuff or drink sugary frizzy drinks, i literally feel that it's not good. i feel so limp and ugh, nah, like a big big big snorlax/relaxo (for the german readers), remember him?



i lost about 11kg/24,2lbs, but i still want to lose some more and tone my body more. i'm very very happy with my achievements! i still can't really realize that i did this all by myself. and i would have never believed that i would stick to this way of life for so long (well, 7 months are quite a time for me). i think, eating clean and challenging your body is the only way to improve your body and health really and longlasting. also everyone can do it! it's just about you and your mind, if you want it, make it happen! only you can do it-no wizard will appear and turn your body into a sexy machine.

also, i created some nice meals and snacks, which are healthy and super for a proper diet. maybe i'll post some of them :)

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”
-Buddha

i guess this is some kinda tic of me

whenever i see some people complain about a certain thing or having a certain problem with their lifes, i think it’s always theirselves to blame. because, when you are not happy with the way your are, it’s only you to change that. when you cause certain problems in life, it’s only you to solve them.

and yet i know, that you are influenced by your surroundings and that they maybe also contribute in you causing problems, i just can’t excuse such things. you can’t blame it on this or that. if there’s something wrong, you have to change it-you can’t wait for a solution falling from the skies. it’s just not ok. there will come a point in life when you won't be able to run away from what you did or who you are, so you either gotta stand for it or change it, that's your choice, but you can't expect everything to go alright by itself. it’s your life and your mind, so you have to control it. period.

you can buy my mind

sometimes i think that over the time i got a very spoilt child. i had so many dolls when i was younger-i wouldn't even buy my own child so many haha. and now, i'll get loads of christmas and birthday presents. i know all the presents my mum got for me. she got me a set of springform baking pins (maybe an awkward present, but i love baking!), some food storage boxes, a cute bathroom rug, J.K. Rowlings new book 'The Casual Vacancy' but the german version (a rare exception, i prefer reading english books), a hello kitty cup and a hello kitty pillow. don't know which ones i'll got for christmas and which ones for my birthday. just today she bought me that hello kitty stuff. i just showed it to her and said 'cute, isn't it?' and she immediately asked me if i wanted it. and then comes the point of matter. i really would like to get it-but otherwise i don't want her to spend so much money on my presents, because she already got me the baking pins, the boxes, the book and the rug. but i still answer things like 'yea somehow i'd like it but i don't want you to get it for me' and i know there's a 50/50 chance of her buying it for me. so, even though i feel so bad about it, why can't i just say 'no mum, it's ok.'?

sometimes i think it's because i don't really care about some things anymore. a friend of mine once said 'even if you don't want anything from your parents, because you often get into trouble and arguments with them and don't want them to have anything to hold against you in the next argument, you still are their child and they have to care for you and this also means spending money on you.' am i really that screwed up? or do i just persuade myself that that are too much presents or too much money spend on me? why do i even think about this so much? or is it anything else?? at the moment i really don't want to spend much time with my family-to be honest, i'd like to 'discard' them from my life. there were so many things, also little things, that got more and more into a vast amount of happenings that lead me into thinking stuff like this. maybe i'm at the point now, that i don't really care about treating them morally right anymore, because they didn't either. maybe they did know what was right or wrong, but still haven't changed a single thing. i tried and tried and tried. to make things clearer. to calm the waves. to get along with them. to search for the causes of our disagreements and fights. i tried to be the daughter they wanted me to be. i've let go many hours of freedom and childhood, of youth, and i know that i still am young, but there are times and things you can't fetch later. i turned and twisted myself, my character, i swallowed my pride and my words, maybe even sometimes my mind. but it still wasn't enough. and now, that i only once showed them both how i really am, i saw that i was just not the daughter they wanted me to be. i never could be. i never was and i never will. and now, that my spirits for them are so emaciated, i just don't want to pick myself up again-not any more. i feel like it's finally enough. i always feared that there once will come the day, that my dad'll say that i'm no longer his daughter, for any reason. but now, i just don't care. they just make my life more difficult. i know that they ease my financial problems when there are some, but money doesen't matter. i'd rather have less money than carrying on with faking my face. they gotta handle me now how i really am. i don't care if there'll be many more fights. there is nothing in me for them to harm anymore. i know that they also got their problems to face and to carry, and yes, somehow it still makes me sad, but they, as my parents, should be role models for me. but they are not. they made their contribution in forming my character, yes indeed, but many things i had to learn by myself. i got pitchforked into real life, because my parents have no sense for it, and walked all the way to where i am now alone. whenever i went to them with my problems, i catched hell. i didn't have a happy childhood. oh yes yes, i had a tv, lots of dolls, a big room for my own until my brother was born, oh yes...'we gave you everything you ever wanted!' oh yes, you did. the things you could buy, you got me. the things i really needed i never got.

"Everybody is special. Everybody. Everybody is a hero, a lover, a fool, a villain. Everybody. Everybody has their story to tell."

a quote of Alan Moore, V for Vendetta.i never read the comic or watched the movie, but nethertheless the quote's true anyways, isn't it?

ugh, life's so exhausting at the moment. altough i'm not a student right now, nor i have a job. family, family, family. so complicated, exhausting and annoying. geez. i still ask myself sometimes, if some nurse in the hospital back in the day interchanged me with some other baby haha. how can related people be SO different? just can't understand it.

but whatever! i'm working on my not-being-occupied-with-anything-problem. i applied for some minijobs and such stuff. i don't feel good doing nothing all day long, waisting time instead of doing something useful. and since i haven't started studying this term, i gotta find something to do in the meantime. well, i didn't find many job offers, and just two or three of them sound actually good. there were some for catering, but that's not my territory. once i tried it, doing a internship in a highly esteemed hotel in the immediate vicinity, but NO, thanks. handling all day with unfriendly people while youself gotta be friendly af, clean their rubbish after them, always in a hurry, ugh, just no. would you like working in that area? or what would you like best as a minijob?? give me advice if you got some for me guys!

"can you stand on your head?"

so. i finally, after 1 year of non-blogging in here, managed getting active again. new design and stuff. i actually wanted my header colour white, but i was just too bad photoshopping an acceptable one, so i just made everything black. that's ok too.
i don't even know why i'm telling you this-it's boring anyways.

are you guys afraid of the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland?? i once saw a comment under a short clip from the movie, which said, that the person who posted it, was freaking scared of it when he or she was a kid. like, why? the cheshire cat is-for me-the best fictional character ever. it's crazy and weird and has confusing manners, but this is what makes it so gorgeous. to me it seems brilliant. yes, i'm kinda admiring this cartoon cat, haha.

against some unfairness you just can't do anything. your whole life. no matter how much effort you put in it, how much energy you spend figuring out, what to do, which way could work it out. which way you choose, you'll just burn yourself-whether physichal or mental. but nethertheless, you always got to remind yourself that there are things in life to keep going for. it'll be worth it. one always does remember the bad things over the good ones.